Wish I could prove I love you, but does that mean I have to walk on water?
Monday Dec 12 @ 01:35pmToday it was almost 80 degrees outside. There are so many things that I wish I could tell you. Like the way I forget to brush my hair most days, and the way my mom looks at me with distaste. I wish I told you that last week, he broke my heart again. Yet I can’t stay away. I want you to know that I thought about telling you, but couldn’t. Even inside my eyelids, in the back of my mind, I can’t escape this desire to be in his company. I wish I could tell you. This morning I woke up very early, and I felt so alive. I wonder if maybe you’re the reason I am the way I am. I wanted to tell you about all my little victories, however small. I wish I could call you to tell you that I did it. That I landed somewhere and accomplished something new. These desires will not quell and sometimes I wonder if they ever will.
Wednesday Dec 12 @ 03:17pmI have come into a lot of free time on the weekends and I need to get these feelings out. SO many people tell me, writing will help control the anger.
I’m not sure if I want the anger controlled. I need that anger, as well as all my shallow emotions, to remind me I’m alive. When I’m sad, I will simply breath into the sadness and let it be. I tried to control my anxiety, but what of that? I need anxiety. Lately I’ve had this desire to feel my emotions and welcome them. Am I happy? perfect! I want to remember being happy and remember being upset and remember being alive. I was accustomed to using anything as an excuse to forget my problems. Now, I don’t want to forget them. I want them to be real. I want to look all my worries and setbacks in the face and show them I’m stronger. I’m emotional and I love to be emotional. I’m mad and I want to be mad. Problems will come and go but we have so little time on this earth. I want to remember all of it. I want to remember being alive.
And so I write.
Wednesday Oct 10 @ 11:14pm